Ron Feinberg, retired journalist
Ron Feinberg's mother suffers with some form of dementia, characterized by vivid dreams and hallucinations. After being called to her condo by her paid companion earlier this year, Ron spent the night trying to keep her safe and calm. The essay he's written focuses on the dark, at times creepy nature of her disease and the heartbreak it means for those suffering and their families.
I was nearly asleep when I heard footsteps and glanced up to see my mother standing at the doorway of her bedroom. She looked annoyed, shaking her head in irritation.
"Would you please come take this elderly woman out of my room," she said.
I shuddered and pushed myself to my feet, then followed my mother into her room. It was semi-dark, a splash of light from the adjoining bathroom spilling across the floor and across her bed. As usual, the room was immaculate.
Two matching night stands with huge lamps, adorned with oriental designs, were on either side of the bed, a bed my mother had been restlessly tossing on for at least two hours but, magically, seemed untouched. Only a slight wrinkle, puckering the middle of the mauve comforter atop a plain white sheet, hinted that someone had been lying there only minutes before.
A bookcase, crammed with hardback novels, arranged by size and color, filled one corner of the room, and a sitting area - two chairs, a small table, more books, some oriental vases filled with plastic flowers and a portable radio / CD player - dominated another side.
A grouping of perfume bottles cast tiny shadows across the top of her bureau, shadows lost in larger shadows from a nearby jewelry box and picture frame holding a black and white portrait of my mother and father from the 1940s. The picture was taken just weeks before they were married. My father was in uniform, sporting a fitted battle blouse that flared at the shoulders and tightly hugged his chest. My mother was wearing something soft and delicate. They both stared into the camera, unsmiling, perhaps uncertain about their futures. After all, they had only known one another a few weeks.Enlarge this image
"Please," my mother said. "Take this elderly woman out."
For an instant I was confused, thinking that in some bizarre fashion she was speaking of herself in the third person and was asking me to take her out - perhaps somewhere light and bright and young and alive. But then she slowly lifted her arm, and stretched out a wrinkled finger, tipped with a perfectly polished nail - mauve, the same color as her comforter - and pointed to the far corner of the room. Shadows played across the area, a monochromatic mixture of blacks and grays and I could see something swaying ever so slightly in the darkness.
My mother didn't move, standing as straight and tall as she could muster while gravity continued to tug heavily at her 85-year-old body. A tangle of teased hair was about the only part of her managing to hold a vertical angle. Everything else sagged - her eyelids, cheeks and mouth, folds of skin under her chin and arms, her bust and back. But her outstretched arm and finger remained true, if slightly tremulous.
"Please get her out," she repeated.
I took a step forward into the darkness, feeling a bit shaken, falling under the spell of my mother's madness. And for an instant the shadows gave way to a glimpse of something odd - faint and amorphous, the sort of thing you generally spot only in your peripheral vision before it disappears. And then, surprisingly, it began to take form. And I laughed, a relieved sort of giggle. The elderly lady haunting my mother's bedroom was a dress hanging from her closet door. It was the dress she had worn the previous Sunday at my daughter's wedding. It was soft and delicate and mauve and swayed lightly in the dark, brought briefly to life by a burst of hot air pouring from a nearby heating vent.
I approached the gown and began negotiations.
"Excuse me, but you need to leave. My mom would like you to leave."
I took hold of the hanger and held the dress high and turned to my mother who continued to stare, her arm still raised and pointing the way.
"I'll take her out," I said.
When I returned, my mother had taken to her bed again. She lay with her back against the headboard, her hands in her lap, and now stared straight ahead at the armoire against the far wall. She nodded and smiled.
"Oh look," she said and began to clap her hands. "Oh look, it's the magicians."Enlarge this image
I moved to her side and she began to chuckle. Then she began to laugh, a frightening, creepy sort of laugh that echoed around the room. And the weirdest image popped into my mind of Noah and his sons. The thought was brief and painful, a quick memory of the ancient story about the biblical character getting drunk and falling asleep naked in his tent. One of his sons, Ham, enters the tent and sees Noah naked. The tale only takes up a few sentences in the Torah and biblical scholars have argued the meaning for centuries.
Standing next to my mother, hearing her laughter, I understood the sin of Ham. I turned away, wanting to flee, hoping she could hold onto a bit of her dignity for another day, another hour, another moment. And then her laughter morphed into sobs and I turned back to see my mother crying, the tears washing away the vacant look that had slowly spread across her face throughout the evening.
She was back, at least for a moment, and she took my hands. Still crying, she looked up at me and spoke the truth, words she had feared were her destiny.
"I'm losing my mind," she said.